LALALAALAAAA

posted by Emo Candy @ 4:49 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

Okay, maybe I do want her back.
After the party on the weekend, she told me how she had missed me and she wanted to be friends again and I asked her why she didn't tell me anytime sooner. She replied, holding me close, 'I would have but I thought you hated me because you thought I hated you! But I never hated you.. I couldn't.'

posted by Emo Candy @ 5:30 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

Once upon a time, I had a best friend. She was my soul sister, love of my life and I was completely and totally dependant on her.
The story was much more complicated than this, but to put to the point, she rejected me.
I made a mistake almost a whole year ago, and she destroyed my life. She was my life. And so she took herself out of it completely and left my world empty and void.
Five weeks I wasted out my old life, then there were about 4-8 weeks holidays. All through this time, she could have said "I'm sorry", I could have replied "I never meant to hurt you".
But when holidays ended, the chance was almost dead.
After the holidays ended, I changed schools. I never made friends. Well, I did. But none that I ever connected with. They either acted to mature, or too immature. I was in an all girls school for a total of two whole terms. By the end of this, I was scarred and almost alone, but I had become used to it.
I developed a love interest, changed back to my old school (of course, she had moved schools in the new year as well) and I was happy.
Finally I had been okay and I was even hanging out with her every once in awhile.

I saw her last weekend.
I saw her today.
I'm meant to see her next weekend, and the weekend after that is her birthday.

She told my boyfriend that she still misses me, as she did for the past half a year.

I missed her too!! FOR TWENTY TWO weeks I counted the time I had away from her. I don't even know how many months that is. Almost Twenty Two weeks I cried. Minus the five I was in denial...

We have seperate lives now. I have my own friends. Granted, they're not perfect, and they're not like me. In my world, I'm the only one like me. And I'm sure it's the same for her, but she's got her own life, of course.
Why would I need her friendship? WHY after all this time, after all this loneliness, would I POSSIBLY want to trust her, why would I EVER want to CARE about her, or LOVE her or ANYTHING.

I DID love her.
Now I love Matt, and I even love my best friend (as a friend).

I don't need/want her back.

posted by Emo Candy @ 11:47 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

I sat down with my Mum for the first time in a good few months and had a nice long talk with her. Unfortunately, there have been alot of times where I distanced myself from my family.
The first time was when I suffered a small wave of depression when I lost a dear friend.
This time was because my Mum was seriously ill. Actually, she's been ill for a very long time. I can't remember a time when she was actually healthy.
But once it got serious, just a few months ago, and everyone started talking about operations and dialysis and taking blood... And I admit.. I got really scared. I must have gone into some sort of denial, and when my Dad asked me and my sister to help around the house, I didn't.
He asked us nicely, he yelled at us, he even tried blackmailing us. It would seem that we didn't care but quite frankly, we didn't want to admit that there was a problem.
And I only realised this tonight, when I slowed down and took the time to have a nice conversation with my Mum, and my Dad for some of the time.
Alot of the time, previously, I was getting really upset, cause I would say to myself "my Mum is dying."
And it just made me seem to think that she was already gone in a way. And when she is gone, for another hospital appointment, Dad always gets so mad. Or maybe it's sadness. Or something like him thinking that what little he can do to help - isn't enough.
But Mum said to me tonight "I've got an arm that vibrates and a tube sticking out from my stomache, but it could be worse. I could be dying!"
And I realised, yes, she wasn't dying. But yes, there was a problem. And just like Dad, I would have to do everything I can to help.

posted by Emo Candy @ 1:29 AM [[ 0 comments ]]

It's like... So depressing sometimes, when the only problem you have is that you don't have friends that are as cool as you. Or if they are, they just don't dress the same.
Like you know those groups of Emo kids, they walk through the city in this group looking brilliant, discussing the coolest bands, and collecting pin badges.
I'm like that, but without the rest of the emo kids. Just me. I've not seen a lone emo EVER. I mean at least every emo I've seen, is walking with their emo girlfriend/boyfriend (who can tell the difference?!). Then there's me, Emo'd up, and I'm walking with other people, who look COMPLETELY normal. They all have just everyday normal style. They might listen to SOME of the same music as me...
It's horrible.

Now I'm in a band, and the vocalist is a prissy christian girly girl who I swear has mental problems.
And a normal everyday nerdy loner chick who watches way too much Anime.

Sucks to be me.

I swear, first years fucking scare me. They're like midgets. I had this funny thought before. Me running after little year 8's saying "midgetmidget midgeeettt!!!!!!!" trying to pet them on the head then later put them in my box on my shelf. Then one of them stabbing me in the head with a pen.

Like so.

posted by Emo Candy @ 7:26 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

I felt like eating something sweet, so I went to the fridge. Of course, I found nothing of interest. So instead I ate a grape. And it had seeds in it and all. And I was like ew!
Then I ate a kiwi fruit. I don't like eating kiwi much cause it kanes your tounge, you know?
And I thought.. I wonder if New Zealanders taste this sour?

Either way, my tounge hurts now.

posted by Emo Candy @ 11:44 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

She sits in the back seat of a little black car, driving through the suburbs, her boyfriend of two months beside her and his Mother driving the car and they all listen to the tunes of the latest top 40 played on the radio.
As they drive past a take-away restaraunt, she looks into the little area set up for children's birthday parties. As if in slow motion, she sees the children running around and the adults discussing to each other over cardboard cups of coca cola; and she realises that she's no longer one of those children running in circles. And one day she'll be one of the boring adults, a Mother even, gossiping amongst the others and petting her child on the head absent-mindedly.
Her eyebrows draw together at this thought, and tears her eyes away from the horrid thoughts.

Cause maybe one day she'd like to get married, and maybe one day, she'll have a son. Then two daughters. This is so the older son could protect the two youngers, and the two girls would grow up together. This is because one has thought it all out too much already.
Instead of wanting to never grow up, and be forced to grow up, eventually take on a career and work the rest of life away, somehow life has more meaning that now.

She's finally alive. And not wasting away in the darkness of her own thoughts.

I miss it. The depression and darkness. It was safe there.
But... Somehow.. This is better than that. I want to be happy, and I'm fine with being happy.
And it's so good.

I used to be afraid of change. Then I changed everything around me constantly, and nothing ever stayed or lasted, and it hurt.
I hated change, it ruined my life.
Now it's fixing it..
Funny how that works.

posted by Emo Candy @ 1:51 PM [[ 0 comments ]]